What is Dating Abuse?
In an abusive dating relationship, a person repeatedly threatens to, or actually acts in a way that verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually injures their girlfriend or boyfriend. It doesn't happen once, but again and again. There are many tactics used to gain power and control over others. Typically, the tactics become more extensive when earlier methods begin to fail...... thus abuse can take many different forms.
Emotional Abuse:
- Calls you names and puts you down
- Tells you no one else would ever want you
- Plays mind games with you, twists things around
- Blames all arguments and problems on you
- Uses "jealousy" or "love" to justify abusive behavior
- Thinks the abusive incidents are "no big deal"
- Doesn't listen to you or ignores your feelings
- Constantly accuses you of things you haven't done
- Humiliates you in front of your friends
- Makes all the decisions in the relationship
Economic Abuse:
- You "owe" your partner for everything they do for you
- Causes so many problems at your job that you're fired
- Steals or uses your money
- Treats you like they own you
Sexual & Physical Abuse:
- Treats you like a sex object
- Tricks or forces you to be sexual
- Criticizes or jokes about your body
- Decides or criticizes what you wear
- Forces you to ride in a car while driving recklessly
- Hits, slaps, shoves, pinches, pushes, pulls hair
Using Threats/Isolation/Intimidation
- Threatens to spread rumors about you
- Threatens to hurt themselves if you end the relationship
- Destroys objects which mean a lot to you
- Disapproves of your friends, keeps you from seeing them
- Wants to know who you talk to, where you go
- Accuses you of wanting others
- Frightens you with "that look"
- Slams lockers, throws things, has tantrums, overreacts
Even if there's no physical injury, the atmosphere of fear that these acts create is abusive and results in emotional pain, which always accompanies abuse.
This list could extend to countless pages and is difficult to put in order of less damaging to more damaging behavior. All is painful, including the confusion that accompanies your experience of being mistreated by someone that says they love you.
Dating Rights:
Is this really love?
Is this love full of the respect that you deserve?
- I have the right to refuse a date without feeling guilty
- I have the right to ask for a date without feeling rejected or inadequate if the answer is no
- I have the right to choose to go somewhere alone without having to pair up with someone
- I have the right to say "no" to physical closeness
- I have the right to say "I don't want this relationship anymore"
- I have the right to an equal relationship; not to be controlled
- I have the right not to be dominated or to dominate another
- I have the right to express my feelings and to have them heard
- I have the right to set limits, to say yes or no, and to change my mind if I choose
- I have the right to stop doing something, even in the middle of it
- I have the right to have my morals, values and beliefs respected
- I have the right to be myself, even if it’s different from the norm or from what someone else wants me to be
- I have the right to say, "I don't want to please you at this time"
- I have the right to talk with others about my relationship
- I have the right to have friends, male or female
Factors In A Healthy Relationship
- Trust
- Honesty
- Open Communication
- Accountability
- Understanding
- Compromise
- Clear Boundaries
- Growth
- Acceptance of self, partner and relationship
- Respect
- Intimacy
- Commitment is an ACTIVE choice
- Space
- Individuality
- Affirmation
- Equality, shared power
Factors In An Unhealthy Relationship
- Lacks trust; jealous
- You feel trapped
- Your partner only sees what they want to see, is deceitful
- Closed, private, unwilling to share anything about thoughts, wants, feelings
- Closed, one-sided, unclear, confusing messages
- Never able/willing to admit when they are wrong
- No effort is made to become aware of other’s needs, feelings, wants
- Compromise only occurs when your partner's demands are met, or when things feel calm and secure; inflexible
- Unclear boundaries; at times you may sacrifice identity and individuality
- Intimacy becomes a chore or resented
- Little or no acceptance
- Belief that one person is godlike while the other is worthless; respect is demanded by your partner, but none is given in return
- Intimacy difficult; fear may be present and force or manipulation may be used
- You are expected to spend all your free time with your partner; you may begin to feel isolated
- Differences not respected and growth not fostered
- Given only when you give into demands or during periods of calm and security
- One partner is treated as inferior to the other
- You are afraid to express emotions, wants, or needs for fear of abuse
